Ok, not really, but kind of.
I’ve had a hard-working April. So much so that I’m not sorry to see it draw to a close. I had four big grant proposals to get in, a family health scare, a niece’s birthday, a nephew’s confirmation, the start of the new term. And mostly I’ve just been painfully tired, unable to do little more than pick a poem to share for National Poetry Month. And then the Bell verdict came down.
As may have become obvious, I’ve been a bit derailed by that one.
But I’m feeling a little freer tonight. Maybe that’s because the last of the big proposals has gone in. (Yes, a small one just landed on my desk … but, after the last batch, it’s not looking too scary.) Maybe it’s because tonight I had my first ‘oh, we’ve totally become our own little group’ night with my new class. Of course, maybe it’s because I’ve hit such a level of exhaustion I can’t maintain the depth of sadness tonight and I’ll get right back into it tomorrow.
I’ve got work to do. And I’ve got work to do. This week has actually pushed me back to my paper journal, and I think that may be the place where a lot of my ‘figuring’ is going to happen. Not that I’m plotting a revolution and want to be all hush-hush about it. Hardly. But when I get deep into the ugly, I think that’s something I want to keep to myself.
So thank you, everyone, for your kind, supportive words. Knowing you heard me, that you were (and are) willing to read through my sorrow and anger day after day absolutely helped keep my head from exploding. I haven’t stopped posting about this, but the tightness in my chest has eased just a bit.