Twice in the last week I posted something about Vladimir, the Russian man I dated several years ago. So it should come as no surprise to me that AC is suddenly calling me two or three times a day. (And, no, he’s not reading this blog. He doesn’t have a computer, has no interest in the internet, and has a general lack of trust in computers as a whole, so he’s definitely not reading here.)
Monday he called me in the middle of the work day.
“I just have one question.”
“Ok. I hope I can answer.”
“It’s true that you’re with some new man now, right?”
“No, it’s not true.”
… (silence) …
“That’s really all you called to ask me?”
“No, not really. ”
Ridiculous. While it continues to amaze me how perfect his timing is, how there really does seem to be some weird telepathic link thing going on here, this is still ridiculous. Why don’t I just tell him to stop calling me? Well, sure, obviously I want him to keep thinking about me, want him to maintain even this threadlike connection. If not, I’d have ended things for real and true already. “Ended things” … as if there is really anything going on between us now.
It’s been a strange experience trying to write my NaNo novel about him. Getting sick at the end of November derailed my hurried completion of the novel, but I’m going to keep going with the writing. It continues to be interesting to me to see how I see him, to see how I imagine his thinking. And when I’ve been on the phone with him these last few days, it’s been a little strange to see the ways he is and isn’t like his fictionalized self.
None of this answers my question, of course, gives me an idea of what to do. How many times have I written this post? “I don’t know what to do,” “I don’t know what to do,” “I don’t know …” Distance is part of the problem. If we lived in the same town, or at least near enough to see each other with some regularity, the ‘non’-ness of our relationship would be resolved by now. We’d be together, or we’d be over. Just like that (snap of fingers). Instead, the limbo continues. Feh.