If my watch was working, I could set it by him.

Twice in the last week I posted something about Vladimir, the Russian man I dated several years ago. So it should come as no surprise to me that AC is suddenly calling me two or three times a day.  (And, no, he’s not reading this blog.  He doesn’t have a computer, has no interest in the internet, and has a general lack of trust in computers as a whole, so he’s definitely not reading here.)

Monday he called me in the middle of the work day.

“I just have one question.”

“Ok.  I hope I can answer.”

“It’s true that you’re with some new man now, right?”

“No, it’s not true.”

… (silence) …

 “That’s really all you called to ask me?”

“No, not really. ”

[sigh]

Ridiculous.  While it continues to amaze me how perfect his timing is, how there really does seem to be some weird telepathic link thing going on here, this is still ridiculous.  Why don’t I just tell him to stop calling me?  Well, sure, obviously I want him to keep thinking about me, want him to maintain even this threadlike connection.  If not, I’d have ended things for real and true already.  “Ended things” … as if there is really anything going on between us now.

It’s been a strange experience trying to write my NaNo novel about him.  Getting sick at the end of November derailed my hurried completion of the novel, but I’m going to keep going with the writing.  It continues to be interesting to me to see how I see him, to see how I imagine his thinking.  And when I’ve been on the phone with him these last few days, it’s been a little strange to see the ways he is and isn’t like his fictionalized self.

None of this answers my question, of course, gives me an idea of what to do.  How many times have I written this post?  “I don’t know what to do,” “I don’t know what to do,” “I don’t know …”  Distance is part of the problem.  If we lived in the same town, or at least near enough to see each other with some regularity, the ‘non’-ness of our relationship would be resolved by now.  We’d be together, or we’d be over.  Just like that (snap of fingers).  Instead, the limbo continues.  Feh.

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2 thoughts on “If my watch was working, I could set it by him.

  1. molly

    I like the part about the fictionalized person and the real person acting like each other or not. This may be this person’s function, to be both fictional and non-fictional.
    I haven’t been reading your blog long enough to know why you feel you have to “do” anything. I am nearing 60, and I actually enjoy limbo relationships, as just another variant on human contact. The only reason I can see to get rid of this person’s presence in your life would be if you feel that he feeds a self-destructive impulse of yours. Otherwise, what is the bad thing about it? It seems to have given you inspiration.
    Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing.

  2. Your point is well taken, Molly. There have been times in my life when a ‘limbo’ relationship hasn’t troubled me too much. I’m just not sure this particular limbo is good for me or for AC.

    I can’t figure it out when we’re nowhere near one another, though. That part seems plain enough. We have to be in the same space for a while and see what’s what.

    In the mean time, yes, I keep writing and writing and writing!

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