Uncounting my chickens.

faint hope sunken in
folded under disappointment
confidence slinks off
doesn’t bad news come in threes
storm clouds still hang over me

Got home to a kindly-worded form email telling me I didn’t get the fellowship.  I don’t think I had a strong chance at getting it, but I wanted it more than I can articulate, and this rejection feels like a blow.

I know how unwise it is to pin all hopes on one possibility, especially such a paper-thin possibility.  Still. I’m sorry for my loss.  Not, at this moment, feeling very ‘pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again.’

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7 thoughts on “Uncounting my chickens.

  1. That’s how you *should* feel…at least you’re genuinely in touch with your emotions. I’ve been there many, many times and it always hurts–still. The glimmer of light in this dark moment, however, might be the very fact that you APPLIED–you put yourself and your work out there, and if you continue to do that, then you will honor yourself, your ambition, and your art.

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  2. Molly

    Yeah, Zetta. I agree. You are very disappointed. That is okay. Your friends (even virtual ones like me) are disappointed, too. I am sorry.

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  3. I’m sorry it didn’t go as you hoped. It is hard not to take such a thing as an overall judgment of one’s worth, but I hope you’re not taking it that way (too much), because it has very little to do with the actual you, probably nothing at all. You’re the same smart, wholehearted, kind and caring S. who is full of passion, and who knows why whoever made that decision made it?

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  4. Candice

    I haven’t read your journal in forever and I’ve missed so much of what’s been happening. I’m sorry about the fellowship, absolutely, but mostly I want to tell you how sorry I am about your friends in Jamaica. I know how much of a bond you feel for the people in your community there. *hugs*

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  5. Thanks, everyone. I know it’s ok for me to feel lousy right now (especially right now), and I know this feeling will fade. I’m not wallowing, but I’m not really pushing it too hard, either. More just letting it run it’s course.

    Zetta you’re right, that I have to remember what a serious step it was for me to put myself out there — something I really never do — and then maybe start to think about what will be the next thing I’ll put myself out there for …

    Tonight I’m off to tell all my kids at the Ed Center that they’re all moving up to the next level (hurray!), and that will definitely leave me feeling good at the end of the night. And tomorrow’s the crazy poetry slam/open mic/freestyle jam at the Ed Center, which will be another mood-lifter. So there’s some sunshine even int he middle of all this literal and emotional rain.

    Thanks again.

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