Looking Ahead

I’ve made plans to help with an adult literacy survey in Jamaica this fall.  I’m feeling surprisingly ambivalent about it.  I want to go, of course.  It’s Jamaica, after all.  And it’s adult education.  And did I mention the Jamaica part?  But there are snags … work, school, my bank account … and AC.

I haven’t told him that I’m going to be in town.  I will tell him, I just haven’t yet.  I keep thinking I can write his script, figure out what this surely-awkward meeting will be like before I get there.  I know I can’t.  As an actual separate being from me, he gets to write his own lines.  But even if I didn’t know that, our strange phone conversations alone would be the proof.  He is never who I think he’s going to be when he calls.  Which is fair, I guess, as I am clearly not who he thinks I’m going to be, either.

I’ve been telling myself for months and months that this curious limbo we’re coasting in is fine, that everything will come clear the next time I’m in Jamaica.  And now that ‘next time’ is looming large on the horizon.  And maybe I’m not exactly ready to have ‘everything come clear’ just yet?

his voice in my ear
lazy, slurry, patois-fine
what I am missing
wants me near but likes me far
that frail tether holds my heart

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One thought on “Looking Ahead

  1. molly

    I am so glad you are going to Jamaica, which I think of as home for you in some really nice ways. You never know what you will find, and I wish for you something new, wonderful, unexpected, but which feels like coming home.

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