I do … not have an answer.

So much for my belief that our long separation and only occasional conversation would have the effect of convincing AC that we are, in fact, no longer a couple.  I saw him yesterday for the first time in two years … and he asked me to marry him.

I wish I was kidding.

I can’t possibly marry AC.  It would be a mistake of ginormous proportions … ‘though it would also give me a way to move to Jamaica.

That was, in fact, how the proposal came about.  We were sitting on the roof looking at the stars and I was daydreaming about one day figuring out a way to move here.

“What’s the matter with you?” AC is never one to beat around the bush or pull his punches.  A blessing and a curse, I’m thinking.

“What?”

“Why don’t you just marry me already?  Then you can move here, no problem.”

“You’re asking me to marry you?”

“I’m always asking you to marry me.”

Which isn’t exactly true, though he has asked me twice before. 

I wish I could take that at face value, believe that it means to him what I want it to mean to me.  I can’t seem to do it, however.  I’ve spent the whole day today thinking about what it would mean for me to marry him, about how awfully we would get along after about 72 hours of wedded bliss.

But maybe I’m wrong?  Couldn’t I be wrong?

I think it was Molly who described my relationship with AC as ‘unresolved.’  Too true.  I thought coming down here would help me find some clarity, moving things in one direction or another, just out of limbo.  At this moment I’m feeling more in limbo than ever.

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10 thoughts on “I do … not have an answer.

    1. Oh, it’s really happening, but you’re right that it reads like a book. My whole relationship with AC reads like a book … the kind of book that would surely drive me crazy! But thanks for the compliment on my writing. Even when I’m going nuts, I do like to tell a good story! 🙂

  1. molly

    Have you ever been married before? (I really don’t know the answer to this question.) If you haven’t, I think you should really consider getting married. You should look at ALL the laws on property division in the place where you marry, and protect yourself with a pre-nuptial agreement, if necessary. Also, look at how difficult it would be to get a divorce. And look into the legal rights and responsibilities of spouses in Jamaica, if that is where the marriage would happen. (Can you beat each other up, for example?) In other words, see a lawyer, a good one.
    Married people don’t have to live together, at least under most laws. You can keep your job and go back and forth to Jamaica, try living together for more than 72 hours, see how that works out.
    I think being proposed to is really, really nice for women, and doesn’t happen that much any more.
    Also, consider the possibility of a very private marriage. You don’t have to tell people you are married.
    Do I sound demented? I am quite sincere. I think at my age (I don’t know what yours is — younger than me certainly, I’m 58) and probably at yours, you have to be as unconventional as you want to be. Do you want to be married to this guy? Then get married to him.
    I guess I’m saying don’t throw anything away just because your grandmother wouldn’t have done it. And don’t be too sure that she wouldn’t have.

    1. Wow. So much to respond to here! No, I haven’t ever been married. I haven’t ever even come close to getting married.

      You make a great point about finding out about marriage laws here. I know, of course, nothing about them. That would be important to find out.

      I love your comments about not having to live together and not having to tell people we’re married. I had thought of the first but never thought of the second. The idea of a secret marriage intrigues me. My mother would never forgive me, but she could be one of the few ‘in the know,’ I suppose!

      We’ve spent more than 72 hours under one roof, but I don’t think it ‘counts’ as far as letting me know what living together would really be like. I need to come here for a longer trip and stay with him to get a better idea. (But I’d also need to have a back-up plan so I can move out if it looks as though we’ll kill each other!)

      You don’t sound at all demented. You sound like a person who has thought through this kind of stuff pretty thoroughly … which is definitely more than I can say for me. I’ve never thought of any of this stuff, never had to.

      I am younger than you, but not by a whole lot. I have actually begun to think that I have passed the point where marriage would be a viable option. I very much like living on my own and taking care of all my own stuff. AC’s proposal — if I can really hear it as a ‘real’ proposal — means I have to start thinking of the idea of sharing much more of myself with another person, and that feels quite hard to do, no matter how much I care about him.

      You’ve given me a lot to think about and some clear homework assignments to do. Thanks for the feedback!

  2. molly

    Perhaps I should explain that I was trained as a lawyer, and I define myself as a feminist, and I think of marriage as a three-way contract between two people and the state, to decide such issues as property rights, citizenship, child custody, state benefits, etc. Marriage has a great effect on your contracts, such as your health insurance contract. It can give great benefits but also take away your money and rights, so look into it. Recent family events in the state of New York have revealed the disadvantages of getting married in that state. There is no rapid no-fault divorce, and property is divided equally, AUGH!
    I do think getting married also has heavy psychological effects on the people, both good and bad. What you promise is important, and being clear on that is equally important. This is more of a moral contract than a legal one, and it often weighs more heavily than the legal one. Unstated agreements can be the most difficult ones to deal with.
    Speaking as an old married lady…
    Follow your heart, but make sure your mind takes care of the rear guard.

    1. “Follow your heart, but make sure your mind takes care of the rear guard.”

      I love that. I will definitely keep this in mind as I move forward (or backward or sideways or whichever way my mind/heart decides I need to move.

  3. ah limbo, the best and worst place to be….I hope an answer comes soon that spurs you one way or another – just so your heart and mind, perhaps, could move together in one direction.

    1. I usually don’t mind limbo, but when it comes to relationships, limbo drives me NUTS! So I’m hoping to reach some kind of conclusion sooner rather than later. I’m really thinking about Molly’s comment about not having to live together to be married. Following the Maury Povich/Connie Chung model might just work well for me …

  4. Wow. That does make the head spin, doesn’t it.

    I love what Molly has to say. Those are really important things for anyone to keep in mind when considering marriage.

    (Also, I have to say that I really enjoy your tags. “No wonder I’m single!” Heh.)

    1. My head is still quite turned around, I must say. But I don’t have a stomach ache today, as I did when I wrote this post. No matter what happens, I’m feeling much more calm today.

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