Asking for What I Need

I don’t often ask people for help. That’s tied up in a lot of things, I’m thinking. My reluctance to reach out isn’t a thing I’m proud of. I don’t go around boasting about my self-reliance. The horrific experience of my move to my new apartment is proof positive that I need to learn to ask for help. And ask early.

It’s been crazy-hot lately and last night, after a long, minimally air-cooled trip home, I discovered that my building was part of a neighborhood power outage. No lights, no fan, all the groceries I’d put in my fridge on Sunday turning into trash. Fun!

I stood in my dark apartment, getting hotter and hotter, feeling sorry for myself and scrolling through hotel options on my phone. I texted my mom and my friend Mopsy, not for help but because I wanted someone to know so I could get a little sympathy. And sympathy I got, but I also got Mopsy’s good sense and immediate, how-can-we-fix-this jump to action.

She suggested friends I could stay with — an option I hadn’t thought of at all. I’d gone straight from “I will die of suffocation in this apartment” to “I have to find a cheap hotel.” I shot Mopsy’s suggestions right down, of course. The last thing I intended to do was impost my sad, sweaty self on any of my friends. Mopsy left me alone for a minute, but she was undaunted. Maybe because she knows me, knows how I can’t bear asking for anything. She came back moments later with the suggestion of two friends whose place is close to mine, friends who I know have space for guests, friends it would be much harder for me to dismiss as options.

But I didn’t call them. Of course not. It would e too easy for them to say yes if I called them. I sent a text because people miss texts all the time. They might not see it right away and then it would be too late for them to help me out.

Except J saw my text. And called to say that yes, I could come and stay, that she was turning the AC on in the guest room so it would be ready for me, that I should come right over.

Yes, that simple. That normal. That kind. And, as I slogged around my hothouse (because I am a high-maintenance flower if ever there was one) packing an overnight bag, I had to acknowledge that it is always this way. Always simple, normal, kind. I have friends … and they show me again and again how willing they are to do more than hang out over tea or paneer tikka. They are both able and willing to step up when I need them. And they do … when I can actually force myself to ask them.

When will I learn this? But really learn it so I don’t have to keep re-learning it?

This is another manifestation of La Impostora, another way Impostor Syndrome gets in my way, makes me question my value, question whether I am deserving of kindness, of care. As always, I recognize her at her work, only after she had begun to do her damage.

This is about the forty-leventh post I’ve written about La Impostora. She is solidly entrenched in my psyche, and I have a lot (a LOT) of work to do to root her out once and for all. I’m getting much better at spotting her, much better at catching her early enough to keep her from ruining things.

I went to J’s last night. The guest room was delightfully cool, and I slept comfortably and happily, and I woke this morning feeling rested and cared for. La Impostora was pouting in a corner, and that felt just right.

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It’s Slice of Life Tuesday! You can check out all the slices on Two Writing Teachers!

In 2017, I took up Vanessa Mártir’s #52essays2017 challenge to write an essay a week. I didn’t complete 52 essays by year’s end, but I did write like crazy, more in 2017 than in 2015 and 2016 combined! I’ve decided to keep working on personal essays, keep at this #GriotGrind. If you’d care to join in, it’s never too late! You can find our group on FB: #52Essays Next Wave.