The Autumn of My Life

Friday was so chilly. I knew I’d need to leave my flip flops and tank tops home, that I’d actually have to wear … gasp! … a jacket. So I dragged by jean jacket out of the closet and put it on. It felt so heavy and foreign and awkward – and I was instantly missing summer.

As I hung my jacket on its hook in my office, I felt and heard the crinkle of paper in one of the pockets. “Oh, let this be a treat left over from Poem-in-Your-Pocket Day!” I thought as I unbuttoned the flap and slipped my fingers in … and sure enough, it was a poem! And not just any poem (as if there could actually be such a thing as “just any poem”). It was the perfect poem for this end-of-September moment: “Blackberry Eating” by Galway Kinnell, one of my long-time fave-fave-favorites.

Blackberry Eating
Galway Kinnell (1927 – 2014)

I love to go out in late September
among the fat, overripe, icy, black blackberries
to eat blackberries for breakfast,
the stalks very prickly, a penalty
they earn for knowing the black art
of blackberry-making;  and as I stand among them
lifting the stalks to my mouth, the ripest berries
fall almost unbidden to my tongue,
as words sometimes do, certain peculiar words
like strengths or squinched,
many-lettered, one-syllabled lumps,
which I squeeze, squinch open, and splurge well
in the silent, started, icy, black language
of blackberry-eating in late September.

Mmm …

I have always loved this poem, it’s “many-lettered, one-syllabled lumps,” it’s “silent, startled, icy black language.” It is a bit of divinity, small enough to hold in your hand, rich and juicy enough to flood your senses.

Earlier this week I rode home in a cab, exhausted after a work event. It was a cab with an enormous moon roof. I leaned back and looked up through that window and there was the huge and beautiful harvest moon. And I smiled and watched it all the way downtown, all the way home.

One of my first experiences in my new place was being awakened by moonlight, its white-silver shine filling my foreign bedroom where I lay, cozied in familiar linens, my heart weighted with loss, with leaving the only place I’d ever lived in my adult life that had felt like home. Being pulled from sleep by the glow of the moon made my heart lighter, gave me the hope of making a home in this new neighborhood.

This is a transition, this move from summer to fall, from solstice to equinox. I am a late-summer baby, born in mid-September. My new year’s day marks the rounding of that corner for me, the slide into autumn.

And I love autumn, love the cool days, the changing leaves, the colors in the sky in those early sunsets. I love the need to wrap a pretty scarf around my neck, to grab something warmer than a sweater. I love autumn, but it slips in on a wave of sadness for the loss of summer, for shortened days, for distance from the sun creating cooler light.

We still have some warm days ahead – our five-day forecast is already boasting some 80˚ weather in the near future – but fall is here. It’s a reminder to me to get serious, to start paying attention to that list I made when I took stock of myself in the weeks leading up to my birthday. Summer isn’t a time to be lazy, exactly, but it is more languorous, more easily sensuous. The arrival of fall is the early-warning sign, the reminder to get busy, get some work done, get ready. Because, as we all know: winter is coming.

That’s an easy line, of course, but that makes it no less true. And truer, perhaps, because I’m thinking about my coming old age. And because a young friend has just lost his father, his father who was only nine small years older than I am. I’ve just made a world of plans, but how little time is there to realize any of them?

It’s autumn. Time to get cracking. My winter storehouse won’t fill itself with nuts. That’s on me.

(And yes, I’m old enough that my title came to me because I remembered Bobby Goldsboro’s song, but then I looked up the lyrics, and the song doesn’t really fit with where I saw this essay  headed, but I’m nothing if not stubborn, so the title stuck.)

In 2017, I took up Vanessa Mártir’s #52essays2017 challenge to write an essay a week. I didn’t complete 52 essays by year’s end, but I did write like crazy, more in 2017 than in 2015 and 2016 combined! I’ve decided to keep working on personal essays, keep at this #GriotGrind. If you’d care to join in, it’s never too late! You can find our group on FB: #52Essays Next Wave.

2 thoughts on “The Autumn of My Life

  1. Maureen Hossbacher

    No denying that, at 78, I’m in the winter of my life. So as a wise old elder, I will offer this advice: Just keep on making plans.


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