So … I’ve decided to make a post about each of the random facts I included in my Counting to Five post. Is this cheating? I think not! Besides, my brain is tired. All the awful drama unfolding with this virus and people’s responses to it is a lot. So I’ll dip into these little stories and give us all a break. So, in no particular order …
The third item on my list was:
I was once the host of a party at which a friend’s +1 thought his clever party trick would be to insert himself into groups and diagram the sentences of everyone trying to have a conversation. <sigh>
Yeah, it’s hard to be a hostess. It’s particularly hard for someone like me who suffers from Manic Hostess Behavior. And to have this guy show up at my party and start diagramming people’s sentences … the peak of petrification for a manic hostess. For realz.
There isn’t much of a story here, but there are all the things I think about this incident. A friend’s parents have an extraordinary apartment on Manhattan’s Upper West Side. This friend, another friend, and I would sometimes throw ginormous parties when said parents were traveling. We invited crazy numbers of people. We had the idea that our different friend groups should meet, that surely they would like one another as much as my two girlfriends and I liked each other. This turned out to be true and not-true, of course, because that’s how things go.
And that is how, at one of our parties, I walked up to a group of surprised-looking people and found this guy. Had he been a simultaneous interpreter, that would have been cool. But a simultaneous diagrammer? That’s weird. Totally impressive, to be sure, but still weird. And also annoying, as it gets in the way of smooth-flowing conversation.
He was getting quite a kick out of himself. I remember him laughing each time he finished a sentence and could imagine him mentally making a little hash mark, like notches on a headboard: “And one more!” I played good hostess, stepping in to let those people find their way out of the non-conversation. I allowed a few of my own sentences to be diagrammed as I led him to the snack table. I wound up doing that several times before finally giving up.
Giving up is, of course, complete hostess fail. How could I abandon my guests to that nonsense? But I couldn’t bear another go-round with him. And he wasn’t even the +1 of one of the folks I’d invited. I just couldn’t let him be my responsibility all night, not if I wanted to enjoy some of the party my own self.
Okay, real talk. Being able to diagram a sentence on the fly is amazing, but who walks into a party thinking this skill is how they will make friends and influence people? And how hard does one have to practice at home to develop this skill? And, if you have this skill, why would you need to demonstrate it with every single sentence uttered by anyone standing near you?
Trust me, sir, this is neither necessary nor welcome. And that girl you’re trying to hit on? She’s already seen you do this really weird and annoying thing, seen you do it over and over again, even with the sentences you’re saying to her as you try to chat her up. It is not working. It really is not. Stop now.
It can be super awkward going to a party where you know exactly one person. I get that. I’ve been that person, and I’m really not good at it. This is still the wrong parlor trick to pull, uninvited, out of your hat. I say “uninvited” because it might actually work if you handled it differently. Maybe you told everyone in the group that you had this talent and challenged them to try to stump you. Then everyone would be in on the fun and you wouldn’t be cutting conversations off at the knees by inserting your diagrams all over the place. In this scenario, your skill would be a game everyone could play. I think that’s probably the only way this would ever be enjoyable for other people in the group.
None of that is what happened at that long-ago party, however. The young woman that guy tried to hit on immediately removed herself from his presence. So did most of the other people he threw diagrams at.
And me, the manic hostess? That party was decades ago, and I still remember this weirdness. I can’t remember anything else about the party, but I remember this. Ugh.
It’s March, which means it’s time for the
13th annual Slice of Life Story Challenge!
Curious? Head on over to Two Writing Teachers
and see what the rest of this year’s slicers are up to!